Creator or Terium

"I try not to have things look as if chance had brought them together, but as if they had a necessary bond between them." -Jean-Francois Miller

"The person we bend over backward for and the person that bends over backward for us are never the same...it's a timeless predicament." -Bethany Atchison


Are there ever times in which you wish you could like someone you didn't? Conversely, have you ever wished you could turn off your feelings for someone who has proven time...and time...and time again...that they didn't deserve them?

Honestly, the best way I can put this is: there is a Col. Christopher Brandon, and then there is a John Willoughby. This, of course, makes be the Marianne Dashwood. There have always been a Willoughby to my Brandon, faithfully paired since I ignorantly cannon-balled into the world of dating. And I fear that I will always be a Marianne.

I long to be an Elinor, have her patience, her selflessness, her grace...not to mention her fortune (Hugh Grant, are you kidding me?). And yet by the end of the book I find I miss Marianne's energy, her spunk, her unabashed honesty and passion...I think that's what makes me fear growing up. I'm afraid building up a poised front, biting my tongue and always keeping a graceful outward appearance will leave me drained, not to mention make me appear to be insipid and witless.

But what should I love more? Opportunities for sarcasm and and humor for my own gains, or the people it is generally inflicted upon? Should I consider the process of maturing a stifling of my own personality, or of my own selfishness? Despite Willoughby's continual wrong-doing, should I jump at the chance to be right, or lay down my pride regardless of their transgressions? From the beginning, could it not necessarily not be his fault fully, but mine for letting my guard down so easily, for letting my hope turn into expectancy, for not consulting the One who knows me best?

Who do I serve, God or myself?